Butch: Between you and me, I do hope Dix will eventually find a nice man to call his own.

Harry: Same here, but it’s all down to the God of fate. It can’t be rushed or forced.

Butch: Of course. You know, I was very happy for you when you and Ian got together.

Harry: It just happened. Honestly, I was convinced you’ll be the one who got hitched first. Who would have thought?

Butch: As you’ll remember, a couple of guys got close, but didn’t work out in the end, which is probably for the best. I’m happy just being an alone wolf at the moment. Then again, never say never.

Harry: I know what you mean. Having a small army of horny men on speed dial must help.

Butch: True, I’m not complaining. So, what are you lovebirds doing this weekend?

Harry: Since the weather looks promising, we’re going to tidy the garden. Ian bought chicken to make coq au vin, no doubt we’ll wash it down with a nice bottle of dry French white.

Butch: When did you become so domestic? But it sounds like a nice way to spend the weekend.

Harry: This is probably the first weekend we’re both at home since Pirates has finished, so we’re making the most of it. How about you? What exciting plans do you have?

Butch: I was going to hit the gym as usual, but might go for a bike ride in the glorious sunshine instead. On Sunday, one of my fuck buddies has organized a naked get together at his house with some of the blokes he knew from a naturist group and asked me along, so I’ll drop by to see what it’s like.

Harry: Why not? Should be a nice day for it. Just when did you develop a taste for group sex?

Butch: You know me, it’s not my thing. He has asked me a few times before, and I feel bad turning him down again, that’s all. He’s also preparing a lot of food for the party, it's rude not to go.

Harry: Let’s face it, you’re only going for the free food.

Butch: And what’s wrong with that? He has a private garden, so worse comes to worst, I can spend the afternoon stuffing my face and get some colour on my skin.

Harry: Sure, just make sure you don’t burn your little cocktail sausage.

Butch: There’s nothing little about my sausage, but thanks for the reminder. I should definitely put some sunblock on my cock before going. I’ve burnt my foreskin once before, and that’s once too many. You’ve no idea how much it hurts.

Harry: Ouch! I can imagine. It must be really painful.

Butch: It took ages to heal since the new skin kept tearing whenever I got hard, which was basically all the time.

Harry: Spare me the details, I really don’t want to know. Best not get burnt in the first place.

Butch: Obviously. Maybe a nice chunky bear will rub cream on my cock for me at the party?

Harry: Just the one? I bet they’ll be queuing up to do it, but take my word, bear cream won’t provide any protection from the sun.

Butch: In that case, I’ll just have to stick it somewhere moist, hairy and the sun don’t shine.

Harry: Knowing you, you’ll be doing that anyway at the first sight of a perky round arse.

Butch: I don’t offer my service to just anyone. I’ve no idea what the men he has invited will be like, but I know from experience, my host does have a very fuckable backside himself.

Harry: By the law of probability, there’s bound to be someone you’ll like.

Butch: We’ll see. It’s nice socializing butt naked, people are somehow more friendly. There’s also zero chance of getting food all over my clothes, and ends up looking like a pig.

Harry: That’s what washing machines are for, but I agree, it’s not necessarily all about sex.

Butch: I won’t say no if someone I fancy wants to have a “row in the hay” as it were.

Harry: What? Not even a bit tempted to some group activities?

Butch: No, like I said, not really my style. It’s just too confusing with all the arms, legs, cocks and arseholes everywhere. Frankly, I can just about manage a threesome at most.

Harry: And I thought you’ll be good at multitasking. Back in my wild days, I loved getting in the middle of some good clean group fun, but only if I knew everyone involved. Call me fussy, but one bad experience with an uninvited guy spoiling it for everyone is more than enough.

Butch: I know what you mean, which is partly why I prefer one-on-one sessions with guys I trust.

Harry: I don’t blame you.

Butch: So, would you turn down a group sex session if asked nowadays?

Harry: Seriously? Been there, done that, and got the t-shirt. I’m happy with Ian and the occasional distractions. The only group activities I’ll participate in these days is with my book club.

Butch: Well, never say never. I just hope the party on Sunday won’t descend into a mass orgy.

Dix: Your beers are here, gentlemen. What’s this I hear about a mass orgy?

Harry: Thanks, Dix. Believe it or not, Butch is going to one of his fuck buddies’ naked house party on Sunday.

Butch: Thanks for the beer. Before you get any ideas, I’m mostly there for the free food.

Dix: Yeah, tell me another one. Aren’t you a “one at a time” guy? But I can just picture you getting all sweaty and stuck in the bottom of a heap of hairy, naked bodies.

Butch: Slim chance of that! Before my beer warms up. To a sweaty night of debauchery!

Harry: Let’s hope so. To a sweaty night of debauchery!

Dix: A sweaty night of debauchery! You have to tell us all about the orgy next time we meet.

Butch: It’ll most probably be an account of the number of burgers I ate and beers I drank.

Dix: And how many tasty hot dogs you got your hands on.

Butch: I doubt that. It’s more like how many soft buns I got my jumbo hot dog into.

Dix: Oh yeah? Sounds like there will be plenty of cream pies, too.

Harry: Are we still talking about food here, or are you guys just trading euphemisms?

Butch: What’s wrong with that? Don’t you know, food and sex are the perfect combination?

Harry: If you mean they both trigger the same pleasure centre of the brain, then yes.

Butch: Exactly, doctor Harry. I just know they are both highly addictive.

Dix: Judging from the size of the guys you normally go for, they must like food as much as sex. Or is it the other way around?

Butch: So what? I’m not ashamed of finding bigger guys attractive, but I do draw a line with someone who’s seriously obese. It’s not much fun if all they can do is lie there and take it.

Harry: The super chubs do have a core of followers, and they deserve a sex life like everyone else.

Butch: Don’t get me wrong, I've met some really attractive super chubs, but just not for me when it comes down to sex. God forbid, if I got too rough and gave them a heart attack.

Dix: With you, they’ll surely die happy. Honestly, it must be tough being that big, I just hope they’ll find happiness in life.

Harry: Through the years, I’ve attended many medical emergencies of extremely large patients, and it can take several of us just to turn or lift them. Life can be very tough being that big.

Butch: That must be hard work. I must admit, even I’ll have difficulties lifting a few of my fuck buddies single-handedly.

Dix: Have you heard of these guys called feeders?

Butch: Of course, I’ve been accused of being one once. There are gainers too, it’s a strange world.

Harry: Indeed. And there are guys who have a food fetish. That reminds me of something I saw in a travel program about Japan once. Apparently, rich businessmen can order a special sushi platter served not on a plate, but on a woman in the buff and eat off her.

Dix: No way? How bizarre is that?

Harry: I like sushi, but I don’t think they’ll taste any better even if it’s served on Ian’s naked body.

Butch: Why not? Provided he has showered and cleaned. But you might find the odd chest hair clinging to the rice, or even a loose pubic hair.

Harry: You have a sick mind, haven’t you? Then again, Ian does like licking spilled ice cream or loose bits of chocolate off my chest, and got hair stuck between his teeth before.

Dix: Oh, please, no more oversharing! The things bear like us have to put up with.

Butch: Ian can eat off my hairy body any time, and I’ll only charge him mate’s rate.

Harry: Yeah, Right. In your dreams.

Dix: Ian can lick cream off my chest, too. All for free.

Harry: That’s enough talk about my husband. Go find a guy of your own, Ian is all mine, and I’m not sharing him with either of you for all the money in the world.

Butch: Well, you started it. How about I let you watch?

Harry: If only you’ll let me poke you with a sharp fork, too.

Butch: Ouch! When did you get into inflicting pain? I see your sadistic side is finally showing. I guess, you’ll be telling me you enjoy administering corporal punishment next.

Harry: I’m not, but I’ll make an exception, and give your arse a good slapping for being annoying.

Butch: Promises, promises. Me, annoying, never! All my fuck buddies think I’m really charming.

Harry: Really, have they met you before?

Dix: Come on, guys, you two really should be in a sitcom. It’ll make big money, comedy double acts are really popular.

Harry: If only I can be the “straight man”, Butch can be the “funny one”.

Butch: That works for me, I love to be the “funny guy” any day.

Dix: See, the script is literally writing itself already.

Harry: Well, enough fooling around. How about you, Dix? Any plans for this weekend?

Dix: I’m working all Saturday and was going to put my feet up all Sunday, but not any more.

Harry: Yeah? What’s changed? Have you arranged a last minute hot date?

Dix: No. When Trevor was pouring our pints just now, he mentioned his husband was looking for someone to give their overgrown garden a complete makeover, and asked if I can help.

Butch: Get in there! I expect a full report about what Trevor is like in bed.

Dix: As if. It’s strictly business. He would like me to go around to their house and give them an idea of what can be done with their garden and give them an estimate for the works.

Harry: Well, sounds like you’ve just got yourself a new client.

Dix: I don’t know what to expect, but will try my best to help them.

Butch: And you’re going to meet his elusive husband. Make sure you ask for a tour around their house, particularly their bedroom, for inspiration to the landscape design, obviously.

Dix: You’re incorrigible! I just hope their garden is not too much of a mess, but then again, there’s nothing my team and I can’t deal with.

Harry: I’m sure you’ll do a good job.

Dix: Time will tell. So, that’s basically my weekend. No rest for the wicked!

Butch: I’d make sure you wear a nice clean pair of underwear, just in case. You’ll never know, this could be an excuse to lure you into their trap and have their ways with you.

Dix: Is that taken from some awful gay porn plot, from the likes of “The Lucky Gardener” or “Sweaty Garden Job”?

Harry: Don’t listen to Butch. Trevor is lucky to have you transforming his garden.

Dix: We’ll see. They might decide to go with another company.

Harry: That’ll be their loss. I wonder what Trevor’s husband is like.

Dix: Trevor said he works in the city for some big lawyer firm, that’s all I know.

Butch: They can’t be short of cash, then. On a different note, Harry, how about adding Trevor plus one to your summer garden party invitation list this year.

Harry: Sure, the more, the merrier. They can always say no. Thinking about it, we should send Andy an invitation too, since he always enjoyed himself at our garden parties.

Dix: Which Andy? Do you mean Big Andy, our old barman? Of course, you should. Don’t get me wrong, I like Trevor, but the Crown & Anchor hasn’t been the same since Big Andy retired.

Butch: Yeah. I miss Big Andy’s cheery self too, but people move on, and he deserves a nice retirement doing the things he loves.

Harry: And doing the men he loves. I wonder how’s he doing? I hope he’s enjoying his retirement.

Dix: Me too. It’ll be good to see him again.

Harry: Personally, I can’t wait until my retirement and go travelling. There are still so many places I haven’t been before. I think it’ll be fun exploring all the different cultures in Asia with Ian.

Dix: Retirement, what’s that? It’s such a long way away for me. And you, Butch?

Butch: I don’t honestly know, but will definitely go on more holidays too. Maybe I’ll turn into a polar bear and have loads of sexy cubs will chase after me day and night.

Harry: Or you could fell head over heels for a big, chubby bear and build a love nest together in the suburbs.

Butch: Somehow I don’t see that happening.

Dix: I wouldn’t mind eventually settling down with a daddy bear and moving out of the city to somewhere I can grow my own vegetables in an allotment.

Harry: You’ll have to ask us around when you do, and let us try your home-grown veggies.

Dix: Sure thing.

Harry: Is that the time? I better drink up and head home.

Butch: What’s the rush?

Harry: I hope to be back before Ian, so he can tell me all about the parent-teacher meeting.

Butch: Oh, yeah. I forgot. Poor Ian. I still couldn’t believe Ian got into hot water just for being gay these days. There are still too many ignorant bigots in the world.

Harry: Tell me about it. There are so many risks facing kids these days, and having a gay teacher is not one of them.

Dix: If you ask me, I think this generation of kids is more in danger from strangers they meet online via social media.

Harry: Definitely. At least all teachers and professionals who work with children are thoroughly checked, but kids could be chatting with virtually anyone online without a hint of scrutiny.

Butch: Why aren’t parents paying more attention to their kids’ internet activities, instead of picking on school teachers who happen to be gay and haven’t done anything wrong?

Dix: No idea. I was a pretty curious kid. God knows what trouble I would have got myself into.

Butch: You still have plenty of time for that. Hopefully, you’re not as trusting these days.

Dix: Well, not any more, but have to learn it the hard way. I wise up quickly after nearly got duped by one of these “catfish” once, so I’m wary of anyone I’ve only met online.

Butch: If I had a pound each time I block one of these time wasters, I’ll be a rich man by now.

Harry: That makes the two of us. This is one reason why I’m thankful for Ian, and no more wasting hours trawling through all the dating apps or websites.

Butch: They could be fun sometime. I’ve met some hotties that way, but it’s few and far between.

Harry: Don’t get me wrong, as you know, I met Ian online. I suppose I hit the jackpot there.

Dix: You sure did. Before I forget, do say hi to Ian for me and tell him he should join us for a pint soon.

Butch: Yeah. Tell him to take it easy from me. It’s not worth losing sleep over idiots.

Harry: Thanks, guys. I’ll do. Anyway, what plans you two have tonight?

Dix: I’m working all day tomorrow, so not going to stay out late.

Butch: So no horny meet, then? That’s a shame. Just make sure you don’t wank yourself silly watching bear porn all night.

Dix: Don’t you worry, I’m not a teenager any more. I might have a little “me time” before bed, but it’s none of your business. Frankly, I’m a bit hungry now and should grab something to eat on my way home.

Butch: If you have no plans, do you fancy sharing some tapas with me? All the talks about Madrid this afternoon has made me craving something Spanish.

Dix: Great idea! It’s been ages since I had tapas. Can we have tortilla and chorizo?

Butch: I bet you like to wrap your lips around a nice thick chorizo. Anyway, how about going to this little Spanish tapas bar, I’ve been with my colleagues before? It has a patio which is perfect for a warm evening like tonight, what do you say?

Dix: Sounds good to me.

Harry: That’s you guys are sorted then, wish I can join you for some patatas bravas.

Butch: They do great salt cod croquettes and meatballs in spicy tomato sauce too. Those meatballs are about the size of my nuts and taste nearly as savoury.

Dix: Why can’t you just say they are big and tasty? Now I won’t be able to look at them without thinking about your hairy balls.

Butch: I guarantee you’ll love the meatballs, and if you find any hair, it’s not mine!

Harry: I’ve heard quite enough about balls, meat or otherwise. I’m all done, so better be off. You guys enjoy the tapas, and keep your hands off the sexy Spanish waiters.

Butch: You have a good night too, Harry. But I can’t promise anything if the waiter is dark, round and hairy.

Dix: I’ll try my best to keep Butch in check, that’s unless I’m distracted by the mature daddy bear manager myself. Take care, Harry. Nice to see you.

Harry: Bye, guys.

Butch: Dix, let’s go, too. I can hear the hot, sizzling gambas calling my name.

Dix: You must have good ears. Lead the way, Butch.