Harry: Over here, Butch.

Butch: Hi Harry, that’s where you are hiding. You’re early as usual. How’s it going?

Harry: I’m fine. Literally just got here myself after being stuck at home all afternoon waiting for a delivery. As usual, it showed up when I finally gave up waiting and step out of the house.

Butch: That's just typical! I don’t mind shopping online but hate hanging around for delivery. What did you buy? Something nice and shiny?

Harry: I wish. It’s just a book. It’s the large hardback catalogue of the renaissance sculpture exhibition Ian and I went to see last week. You must have seen it advertised around town.

Butch: Of course, it’s hard to miss. What did you think of the exhibition? Was it that good, you have to buy the book? Or you just want to wank over the naked statue pictures?

Harry: Why would I fork out a fortune when I can find free bear porn online? The exhibition was actually one of the better ones we’ve seen recently. I thought the catalogue will make a nice surprise present for Ian, so I ordered a copy online when I got home. Just as well, since it weighs a ton.

Butch: You’re too good to your husband. I’m sure he’ll show you his huge “gratitude” in return.

Harry: That’s not the intention, but I won’t turn him down either.

Butch: Anyway, it should look good on your coffee table, that’s if you can see it among your junk.

Harry: Knowing Ian, I think he’ll probably keep it on our bookshelf together with all his art books.

Butch: He’s so organised. By the way, how’s his rehearsal for the Pirates of Penzance going?

Harry: I think it’s going well. I’ve heard him practising some of the songs from the show in the shower. They sounded pretty good, at least to my tone-deaf ears.

Butch: Can’t wait to watch him performing them on stage. What time is it? No sign of Dix yet?

Harry: Not yet, but he should be arriving soon. I guess he’s probably got held up by some demanding customers. Speak of the devil, guess who’s walking through the door?

Butch: There he is! It’s about time you show up. Nice to see you, Dix.

Dix: Hey, Butch, Harry. Nice to see you guys, too. I’m not late, am I?

Harry: Hi Dix. Just good timing, Butch and I were a few minutes early, that’s all.

Butch: Long enough for Harry to tell me how he’s been detained by a delivery man all afternoon.

Dix: Oh, is that right? Is he one of those delivery men who always ring twice? Did he have a large package for you and took his time “delivering” it?

Harry: As a matter of fact, it was pretty big, and thick too. Although I doubt you’ll be interested, it’s only a book.

Dix: Why not? I read, but usually plenty of colourful pictures helps. So, what are you guys drinking? Let me buy the first round today.

Harry: Now that you’re offering, I can do with a cold beer after rushing here just now.

Dix: Sounds like you needed one badly. And what are you drinking, Butch?

Butch: Is it just me, or someone is in an unusually good mood today?

Dix: I’ll tell you all about it after I’ve been to the bar.

Butch: In that case, since you’re buying, I’ll have a beer too. Thank you very much.

Dix: Sure, two beers coming right up.

Butch: I wonder what’s new with Dix? I haven’t seen him this jolly for some time.

Harry: Maybe a nice daddy bear has been playing with his big dipper all afternoon.

Butch: It’s more likely the other way around. I’m sure he’ll tell us all about it once he’s back with our beer.

Harry: I bet. He looks so excited, I hope he doesn’t spill them on the way back from the bar. And how about you? What have you been up to?

Butch: Just working and training at the gym as usual. I actually thought about going to see that sculpture exhibition this coming weekend. Do you think I will enjoy it?

Harry: I think so. Most of the displays are casts rather than originals, but they’re so well replicated, they might as well be the genuine pieces by Michelangelo, Giambologna and contemporaries.

Butch: I see. There’s nothing wrong with casts, I wouldn’t be able to tell the difference anyway.

Harry: Those sculptures are so lifelike, one just wants to reach out and touch them. There are lots of naked statues of perfectly smooth athletic bodies with their big pecs, flat stomachs, and perky bottoms, but I think you’ll be more attracted to the ones of Hercules and the likes.

Butch: Of course, who wouldn’t. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the Adonis physique, but they all looked the same after a while. Real rugged mature bodies are so much more interesting. Tell me, why so many of them have big curly beards but completely smooth chests and bodies? It’s a bit odd, isn’t it?

Harry: You’ve a point. It has never occurred to me before. I suppose it’s hard to show body hair using marble, or the smooth look was all the rage back in those days. Just when’s the last time you meet an Italian guy without a healthy covering of body hair?

Butch: Almost never, unless they have freshly shaved their bodies. I do love a chunky Mediterranean guy with bronze-coloured skin and a deep dark hairy arse to match.

Harry: Oh, I know! Don’t we all? I could bury my face in his furry butt crack for ages.

Dix: Excuse me, Harry, one cold beer for you. And Butch, here’s one for you too. So what’s up?

Butch: Thanks, Dix. Harry was telling me about the renaissance sculpture exhibition they have been to see and all the perfect naked bodies on display.

Harry: Cheers for the beer. Yes, I enjoyed the exhibition, it’s rare seeing a comprehensive list of famous works from that period in one place, naked or not. Somehow, Butch was somehow more interested in their lack of body hair.

Butch: I wasn’t. I was only saying hairy bodies and butts will be more realistic and attractive, at least to me, that’s all.

Dix: You’ll like mine, then.

Butch: I’ll be the judge of that if you’ll show it to me.

Dix: Haven’t you seen enough of my naked body during our holiday in Sitges? You want another peek again?

Butch: Why not? I never say no to a cheap thrill.

Harry: Please keep your clothes on! I know it’s nice and hairy, but do it in your own time and not in a pub. I’m here to drink beer and not watch a strip show. So what should we drink to?

Dix: I know, big hairy arse!

Butch: Or hirsutus gluteus maximus, as they used to say in renaissance Italy.

Harry: That makes no sense! Are you just making things up again? Your Italian teacher would be turning in his grave. It’s so ridiculous, it’s actually kind of fun, to hirsutus gluteus maximus!

Dix: Hirsutus gluteus maximus!

Butch: Hirsutus gluteus maximus to you too! For your information, I’ve never done Italian or any other foreign languages in my life.

Harry: No kidding? You can fool me!

Dix: Neither have I, so I’m none the wiser. It sounds like Italian to me.

Butch: You know, after a few beers, I sometime struggle with speaking English too.

Dix: But you’ll be fluent in “drunkenese”.

Harry: Aren’t we all? Do you guys remember “scorchio” and “nimbo cumulos” from the Fast Show?

Butch: Of course. I think that was one of the funniest 90s sketch shows. Believe it or not, I actually said “scorchio” to a Spanish guy once on a hot summer day, and he looked at me as if I was from a different planet.

Harry: I think you have that effect on loads of people.

Dix: What are you guys talking about? It must be something way before my time.

Harry: Ouch, we’re not that old! You’re really missing out. You should watch it if it’s ever repeated. The humour is probably a bit dated and certainly not politically correct, but it’s hilarious. Anyway, what’s the big news you are dying to tell us?

Butch: Yeah, we thought you must have been playing with a big daddy bear before meeting us.

Dix: I should be so lucky. My company has finally signed a supply deal with a famous garden designer this afternoon, so for the next 3 years, we’ll be providing plants for some of their projects.

Harry: Congratulations! No wonder you look like you’ve just won the lottery when you came through the door. Here’s to a bigger and brighter future for your business!

Butch: Hear, hear!

Dix: Thanks, guys. We’ve been negotiating for months now and glad it’s all agreed. Not sure if you’ve heard of the designer Robert Armstrong, but he has been responsible for some high-profile projects in recent years and also regularly exhibited at the Chelsea Flower Show.

Butch: I don’t know anything about gardening, but even I have heard of the Chelsea Flower Show. He must be really famous, well done in securing a deal with him.

Dix: We’re not the only company he’s working with, but I’m not complaining. Hopefully, it’ll help with my business by association. Robert not only has good eyes for transforming a blank space into a spectacular garden, he’s kind of a hot daddy bear too.

Butch: Oh yeah? So we were right about you spending the afternoon with a daddy bear after all. Did you sweeten the deal with a little of sexual favours on the side?

Dix: What? Like a handjob every Tuesday and blowjobs on Friday? Of course not! Everything’s done by the book. I don’t think he knows or cares about my personal life, just the quality of my plants.

Butch: So you weren’t wearing your “I’m a big gay bottom” or “I love daddy bears” T-shirt when you talked business with him then?

Harry: Leave him alone. Dix works hard for his business and this is a big step forward. I’m very happy for you.

Dix: Thanks, Harry. You know me, I’m out at work, but I don’t see the need to wave rainbow flags at every client I meet.

Butch: I feel the same way about my sexuality too, who and how I have sex with is really nobody else’s business but mine alone. Anyway, I’m glad your company is doing well.

Dix: You know, ironically, Robert Armstrong is actually openly gay himself. He came out late in life after his two sons have grown up. It was a big thing a while back among the horticulture circle, but not sure whether it’s that newsworthy. Apparently his wife had known for a while and the separation was amicable. They remained friends afterwards, and could still be seen together in public events these days.

Harry: Interesting. It’s good that he feels comfortable coming out despite his fame and didn’t fall out with his family. With the increased acceptance of LGBT people in our society, there seemed to be more people of all ages coming out after living in the closet all their lives, but the fight goes on. I couldn’t imagine what torture it must have been leading a double life.

Dix: Me neither. It would be hell having to lie and conceal part of my life around the clock. I don’t think I can ignore my desires for a nice hairy cock, or arse.

Butch: I’d love to see you try. I can’t see you ever denying your sexual urges. So what does this daddy bear Armstrong look like?

Dix: He’s in his early 60s, with deep blue eyes and a bushy goatee in contrast to his balding head. He has a large built but still keeps in pretty good shape. I remember when we first met, he gave me a firm handshake with his big hands and I could feel the calluses from years of hard manual labour. You know, if I come across Robert in a bar or dark room, I wouldn’t say no.

Harry: Sounds like he’s really made an impression on you.

Dix: Absolutely. He's actually a little larger in real life than I imagined, but very friendly and down to earth. I was quite nervous before our first meeting, but he quickly put me at ease.

Butch: I’m surprised you didn’t make any moves. He’s very much your dream daddy bear type.

Dix: Somehow, I’ve a feeling he’s already taken – like all the good ones. On top of that, I always believe it’s unprofessional, crossing the boundary between work and private life.

Butch: Aren’t they all? At least you have secured his business for the next few years, which is all that matters. You’ll never know, you might run into each other in a dimly lit sauna somewhere and give each other a quick handjob.

Harry: Why is it always you who lowers the tone of the conversation? But now that you mention it, I’m curious to know if he cums like a garden water fountain.

Dix: Very funny! Not you too, Harry. Chance would be a fine thing. Recently, I’ve been so tired after full days at work, it’s way too much effort looking for any meaningless quickie.

Butch: What’s a shame? Those poor horny daddy bears with no-one to service them. You must have a bad case of blue balls by now. Do you want me to relieve the strain for you?

Dix: No way! You’re not getting anywhere close to my balls, regardless of their colour. I suppose one blessing about the internet is the endless supply of porn when I’ve the need to rub a swift one out.

Harry: Too much information. I honestly don’t want to know what you do in your private time.

Dix: Come on, I bet you enjoy watching porn as much as the rest of us and probably have an extensive collection of bear porn at home.

Harry: Well, guilty as charged. I must admit, I have some. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve nothing against porn, it’s just not something I like to discuss in polite company.

Butch: You’re seriously mistaken if you think we are “polite” company. I, for one, love watching porn. It’s so quick and easy finding something that will guarantee to make me hard. Gone are the days, even downloading a single naked pic from the internet took forever.

Harry: True, but not sure that it’s a good thing with porn so easily accessible via social media or the web. I remember when I first had dial up internet service, I’d click on a thumbnail, then go make myself a cup of tea and by the time I returned, a blocky low res image of a naked man would be on my computer screen. One had to be really selective about which pic to download, since it was a big investment of time and bandwidth. Obviously no chance of videos, but those fussy pics more than satisfied my needs back then.

Butch: You have a point, but the ease of uploading and sharing porn have resulted in lots of poor quality, pointless sex clips littering cyberspace these days.

Harry: You’ll be surprised the distance one will go for any visual simulation when feeling desperately horny.

Dix: I don’t know if I’ve the patience. Frankly, I didn’t bother with porn when I was growing up. Occasionally, one would see a cock or two in porn mags passed around at school, but straight sex is definitely not a turn on for me. And all the gay porn available for sale in those days only showed fit young porn stars with not a single hair on their bodies. Unsurprisingly, they didn’t appeal to me at all. Thinking back, I did save a few underwear packaging with pictures of hunky mature men with a decent size bulge, but that’s about it. I mostly had to rely on my imagination.

Butch: I can imagine you had dreamt up countless sexy daddy bears doing naughty things to you all through your tender years.

Dix: Well, a few older men I’ve seen naked in the gym changing room frequently popped into my fantasies in those days. And my hunky rugby coach did appear in some of them as well.

Butch: I bet you were dreaming about them popping their thick veiny cock into you too.

Dix: Or even the other way around. I can’t remember exactly when I discovered bear porn, but I know I’ve been hooked since.

Butch: I don’t blame you. I was the same during my teenage years. I know I’m attracted to the male body, but the gay porn in the shops back then just didn’t cut it. It’s fun looking at naked men showing off their big cock and balls in various poses, but not really very sexually stimulating. It all changed after my first trip to New York, as a gutsy early twenty-something, I ventured into a gay porn store in Greenwich Village and my eyes were opened to all the hardcore porn available. Needless to say, I left with a few mags, which led to my discovery of the bear and leather scene.

Harry: I don’t think young guys these days even know what softcore porn means, with the endless hardcore ones at the click of a button. If you had kept those porn mags, they might be worth something to collectors.

Butch: I doubt it. It’s not like you can advertise them on eBay!

Dix: Yeah, just who would pay good money for worn out magazines with pages stuck together?

Butch: Give me some credit, they might be a bit worn after all the “reading”, I actually tried to take good care of them. Since none of those bear porn mags were available in this country, I used to spend a fortune and had them sent from America. It started with magazines and then DVDs, obviously.

Harry: I remember you’ve shown them to me before, back in the days. It was so hot watching two big bears going at it on a TV screen rather than looking at tiny pixelated gif video clips which only lasted a few seconds. You can even see all the sweat dripping from their fur.

Dix: God bless internet porn. Better change the subject before I get too excited. By the way, whose round is it this time?

Butch: Thought I’m the only one developing a chub with all this talk about gay porn. I’ll get this round, but I hope nobody will notice the boner in my jeans.

Harry: Since you’re offering, same again, please. I bet many guys will probably enjoy watching you walking around with what looks like a big banana stuffed down your pants anyway.

Dix: Yeah, no one will complain about seeing big bulges in this place. Beer for me too, thanks.

Butch: OK, just let me do a quick adjustment… Much better now. I’ll be back with your beers in a jiffy.